People ask, ‘When did you realise you’re different?’ but…you just know. Even as a child, growing up in an underprivileged family in a remote village in Nepal, I knew that I wasn’t like everyone else.
anjali lama
Translated from Hindi I was born and brought up in a remote village in Nepal. I come from an underprivileged family, with brothers and sisters who were so much older than me. We used to worry that if we ate in the morning, how would we eat in the evening, and if we ate in the evening, what would we eat the next morning? If one piece of clothing happened to tear, I could see in my parents’ eyes that they were concerned about how to get clothes for us. People ask, ‘When did you realise you’re different?’ but…you just know. Even as a child, I knew that I wasn’t like everyone else. I had two sisters who were younger than me, so it was my duty to look after them. When I used to play with my sisters, I used to wear their clothes. Even when I would play with my friends in the village, my favourite role to play-act was always the bride. And all the other kids would also say ‘Yes, yes, she will do it well.’ When I was growing up and going to school, everyone used to tease me. They would say, ‘You’re a boy, why do you talk like a girl?’ Even at home, my brothers and even my dad would say ‘You’re a boy. You should talk like a boy, behave like a boy, do your work like a boy.’ That’s the mindset in our society; there are certain ways a boy is supposed to act and other ways a girl is supposed to speak and behave. So many times, I tried to change my behaviour, but it couldn’t happen. For a little while, yes, I would manage to talk in a masculine way, but then I’d automatically go back. Because of this, I used to face a lot of mental pressure in school and in the village. Till grade 5 I used to do well in school. But slowly, I started thinking about myself, asking ‘Why am I like this? Why do they tease me like this?’ Because of this, my grades got lower, and when I was completing my schooling, I failed. Somehow, I gathered the strength to do it again and complete it. I went to Kathmandu, the capital city, for higher education. But my family’s financial situation wasn’t strong enough to support my studies. Everyone from my village works after school, and pays for their own further education. So I started working in a restaurant, washing dishes for 500 rupees a month. I would get bullied by clients and colleagues. The words that are used against transgender and LGBTQ+ people in our world, I can’t even repeat those words. To come from there to where I am today…I can’t believe that I’m here. I lived with my cousin when I was working and studying in the city, and we didn’t have a TV. So one day I was watching TV with the neighbours, and there was a story playing about Nepal’s LGBTQ+ and transgender community. Everyone was saying ‘Look, it’s the transgender people of our community’. It was the first time I had seen that, and I realised I belong to this community. But how could I say it out loud? I couldn’t express it in front of them. But that’s the day I realised that I’m part of a community and there are other people like me. I understood that I needed to speak to these people, but I didn’t know how. Then one night, when I was on my way home, I saw a group of transgender friends and went up to talk to them. I said I felt that I belonged with them and asked them to take me along, to help me. I told them I wanted to dress like them, wear makeup like them. They took me to the office at the LGBTQ+ centre. This was in 2005. That’s when I figured out what my identity was; and who I was. All those questions I used to ask myself in my childhood – it took me getting to that moment to realise who I am. That was one of the best days of my life, when I discovered myself. After that, I disclosed my identity and never hid it. I told my family and friends – they distanced themselves from me. When I was working at the restaurant, there were a few people who were nice to me, and they would say I looked like a model. But I didn’t know what a model even was, because I came from such a remote village and had no understanding of fashion. When I finally learned about fashion and modelling, I participated in a transgender beauty pageant in 2007 and got a bit more knowledge about the industry. I didn’t win, but I reached the top 10 and won the Miss Charming title. I did consider becoming a model after that, but I was still struggling with my identity because society wasn’t accepting me and I didn’t have a relationship with my family. I was mentally fighting with myself. Finally, I got a break in 2009, with one of Nepal’s national magazines, VOW – Voices of Women. They did a story about the transgender community and featured me and a friend of mine on the cover. And that’s where my journey began. My modelling journey has been such a long one, but I feel embarrassed to be called a supermodel. I still feel like the same Anjali. My journey to this point has not been so easy. After I got my break in 2009, I couldn't get any work in Nepal for two years. Finally in 2011, a designer in Nepal gave me a chance to walk the ramp. It wasn’t paid, but I was very happy that I was finally walking as a model. I faced a lot of auditions in Nepal, but because of my identity, nobody wanted to give me work. My friends who started out modelling with me would get work, but I wouldn’t. I would ask judges directly, ‘Why didn’t I get selected?’ So many of them would say ‘I think the client doesn’t want a transgender model’. I still didn’t accept defeat. I would go to every single audition, even if they rejected me twice. I auditioned thrice for Nepal Fashion Week and still couldn’t get selected. I modelled in Nepal till 2016, until I made a name for myself there. My friends would tell me, ‘You should try internationally.’ But at that time in society, for someone of my identity…there wasn’t that much work for transgender people, and the way LGBTQ+ people were viewed wasn’t very good. So I didn’t have much confidence in myself. I thought, ‘How would I start?.’ I didn’t have much money either, to go to any other country and apply. You need money to travel, eat, etc. I wanted to be an international model but the question was ‘Where do I start?’ In 2016 I thought, I can at least go to India. Because to go there, Nepalese people don’t need a visa. And even though my English wasn’t good and still isn’t, I could speak a little bit of Hindi. So I thought of auditioning for Lakme Fashion Week. I began to research how to audition for it, and when it happens. I found the audition details and my heart was beating so fast…. But I first emailed the team to ask whether I could come, because if after coming all the way from Nepal to Mumbai they say a transgender model is not allowed, then what would I do? I also emailed that I was over 30, to check whether there was an age bar as well. Someone from the team replied saying that they didn’t know, but that they would have a team meeting and get back to me. Finally, they replied saying yes, you can come for the audition. I was so excited. For the first time, I came all the way from Nepal to Mumbai. I was very nervous, being from such a small town and also being transgender, and auditioning for Lakme Fashion Week for the first time, at the St Regis Hotel, on the 37th floor! My heart was racing. I got through the first and second rounds, but I didn’t get selected. I went back to Nepal disappointed. I didn’t know what to do. But I couldn’t get modelling out of my head. Then I found out that Lakme Fashion Week auditions happen twice a year, so I felt I should try again. I came back for a second time, but didn’t even get to the second round. I was really upset – I thought my modelling journey was coming to an end. I wouldn’t be able to do any more, because I had gone twice by plane and stayed in hotels – I didn’t have enough savings. But whenever I looked in the mirror I’d think, ‘Anjali, you shouldn’t stop modelling. You should try.’ My mummy always said that to achieve anything, you should keep trying. One shouldn’t accept defeat. Just put in the hard work, and figure out what your weaknesses are. So I decided to audition for the third time. But before trying again, I thought about what my mistakes were. I did a lot of research, looked at the models who were being selected over me – how were they walking, what were their expressions like, what were they wearing? I did research about makeup, dressing, walking, posing…everything. I was determined to be selected this time, no matter what. I prepared the way I used to in school, when I would study so hard that I’d come first. And finally, out of more than 200 candidates, I got selected. That’s where my journey began, and I think the rest is history. It’s important to know yourself; accept yourself, for who you are. If you don’t accept yourself, how can you expect anything from society and everyone around you? At times, for the path you choose, you need to re-evaluate your decisions, seek guidance and keep trying harder if things fail. This is my advice – ask questions, ask for help, ask for advice. I am weaving my own narrative as I move ahead in life. I am representing a community with that story. We live in a society where we wouldn’t be able to make progress without each other’s support, regardless of colour or gender. We need to understand that we’re all humans first. Anjali Lama,Transgender model and activist
read our other stories
SRIPRIYA REDDY
“In my design, I like to go with things that are more delicate; things that have detail. I like that every piece has a meaning.”
Upasana madan
Passion is something that comes straight from the heart. It’s when the brain shuts off and your soul and your heart tell you to do something.
SOBHITA DHULIPALA
I want to be heard. I believe that if you’re given a voice and you don’t use it, then you don’t deserve it.
